


Still Point

by carolinecrane



Series: Retrograde [18]
Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-03-01
Updated: 2004-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-28 02:05:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6310777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinecrane/pseuds/carolinecrane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Speed and Tyler both do a little damage control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still Point

For most of the day Speed manages not to wonder what's going on with his brother. He's too focused on the case to think about Matt's arrest or the fact that he's alone with Tyler now, telling him God knows what. And that's the worst part, because he doesn't even know what Matt knows about him. He was around for David, sure, but he was only seven when David died, and he can't remember that much about it.

He's been telling himself all day that that's so far in the past Matt probably doesn't even think about it. Even if he does, there's no reason he'd tell Tyler. Not unless he was trying to ruin Speed's life, but after getting himself arrested Speed's not so sure he isn't.

He wishes now that he'd told Tyler everything when he had the chance – last night, or even in the lab before Bernstein called. Because he wants Tyler to hear it from him, to get all the facts at once so he understands. He wants Tyler to see that it's not a big deal, that it's just part of Speed's past and it doesn't mean anything. And he's not sure why he's so nervous about what his brother's been telling Tyler all day, but he thinks it might have something to do with the way Tyler offered to bail Matt out without even hesitating.

They're almost back to the lab by the time Speed looks over at Delko – they've both been quiet all the way back from the police station, and he can tell by the set of Eric's jaw that he's just as exhausted as Speed is. And he knows he should just let it go, that he already knows the answer to the question that's been nagging at him all day, but he hears himself say the words anyway.

"Let me ask you something."

"Yes, I think you should burn that shirt." And maybe Eric's not as tired as he looks, because he laughs when Speed glances down at his chest.

"Hilarious. You're a real comedian, you know that?"

"I'm not the one wearing the shirt."

"I'm serious, man," Speed says, ignoring the joke and pressing forward because he knows if he doesn't get the words out now he'll lose his nerve. "Say you were dating some girl and she asked you to...say, bail her sister out of jail. Would you do it?"

He feels Eric's sidelong glance, feels the color rise in his cheeks and he's glad it's dark out so Eric won't see him blush.

"You got something you wanna tell me?"

"I'm saying hypothetically."

"That's a hell of a hypothetical question," Eric says, but when Speed glances at him he lifts one hand off the steering wheel in surrender. "Okay, okay. Depends. Are we _dating_ dating or do I just want to get in her pants?"

"That's what I'm asking," Speed answers, swallowing a sigh because it's really a simple question, except that it's so complicated even he can't figure it out. "Under what circumstances would you do something like post bail for somebody's relative?"

"I don't know, man, that's getting into some pretty heavy stuff. It's not just the money...I mean people at the station are going to know you, chances are it would get back to H...it just seems like you're asking for trouble."

And he's thought of all that, thought about the cops at the station who know his name and might just pass the information about his brother on to Horatio. He's not worried about that so much as someone recognizing Tyler's name and passing that along too, but he's the one who agreed to let Tyler help him out, and he's going to have to deal with the consequences. And there's a tiny part of him that can't help kind of hoping someone will recognize Tyler's name, because it would save him the trouble of telling Horatio himself.

"Would you do it for Calleigh?"

"That's different," Eric says, matter of fact and Speed doesn't have to ask why, but he wants to hear Eric say the words.

"Different how?"

"She's...Calleigh. She's not just any girl."

"So you'd do it for somebody you cared about," Speed says, and he's not sure why he needs to hear it when he already knows the answer. He already knows exactly why Tyler didn't even blink before he offered to go get Matt, and he knows why Tyler's at home right now, wasting vacation time entertaining Speed's little brother.

"Why all the questions, man? This have something to do with your mystery girl?"

He rolls his eyes when Eric grins at him, swallowing a relieved sigh when they turn into the lab parking lot. "There's no girl."

"Right."

It's obvious Eric doesn't believe him – Speed can't really blame him, because he's been more or less avoiding everybody and everything that isn't directly related to Tyler for three months now. And he knows what it means, knows how far in over his head he is and what's going to happen if they keep going the way they've been going. But he doesn't want to stop it – for the first time in years he wants to hold on to something no matter what he has to do, and his brother couldn't have shown up at a worse time.

He follows Eric into the lab, stopping in the locker room to wash his hands and face. He tries not to look in the mirror, but he catches a glimpse of his reflection anyway, frowning at the day's worth of stubble and the lines around his eyes. His looks aren't something he's ever given much – any – thought to, but he can see that he needs a haircut and that he's not as young as he used to be. He's still not making it to the gym as often as he should, but Tyler takes up most of his free time these days, and he doesn't want to give up any of their time together just to go run on a treadmill.

As soon as he thinks it he rolls his eyes at himself, drying his face and stopping at his locker to change his shirt. He's still not sure if it's really as ugly as Delko claims or if he was just getting under Speed's skin because he could, but he tosses the shirt in the back of his locker anyway and pulls on the black button-down he keeps in his locker just in case. For a second he considers going home to shave before he goes to Tyler's, but he knows there's really no point. And he refuses to think about the fact that he's dressing _for_ someone, because he's got enough problems without worrying about what Tyler thinks of what he's wearing.

That doesn't stop him from regretting the decision not to go home and shave, and when he pulls up in front of Tyler's place he's glad he at least changed his shirt. And he's not nervous, but he wipes his palms on his jeans before he gets out of the car anyway, taking his time walking to Tyler's door and reaching for the bell.

Before he pushes it the door opens, and Tyler presses a finger to his lips and nods toward the living room before he steps aside to let Speed in. A few steps into the apartment and Speed sees why – his brother's stretched out on the couch, mouth hanging open and snoring slightly the way he used to when he was a kid. Speed's still mad at him – furious that his brother came all the way down here just to land himself in trouble, but it's hard to stay mad when he looks so...young.

"He give you any trouble?" he asks, keeping his voice low as he turns his attention back to Tyler.

He expects a grin, maybe a quiet joke about treating his little brother like he's still six years old, but when he looks up Tyler's not smiling. "We need to talk."

He's heard that before, and the words make his stomach turn the same way they did the last time Tyler said them. It's like swallowing lead, and he's on automatic pilot as he nods and follows Tyler past the living room and into the bedroom he knows so well, standing in the dark while Tyler closes the door. He's always thought the lack of overhead lighting in cheap apartments was a stupid way to save money, but now he's almost grateful for it, because when Tyler hits the light switch the lamp next to his bed isn't enough to chase all the shadows out of the room.

"What happened?" Speed asks, and maybe part of him is hoping that if he starts talking before Tyler gets a chance that he can change the outcome of the conversation. Only he's not even sure what Tyler's going to say yet, and maybe that's worse than knowing.

For the first time since he's known Tyler he looks...nervous, at a loss for words, and it's enough to make Tim's stomach do even more gravity-defying things. He's glad he hasn't eaten anything in hours, because it's been a long day and he's not sure how much control he's got left. All he really wants to do is crawl into Tyler's bed and sleep for a few hours, just pretend the past two days never happened for as long as he can. Only he can't stay asleep forever – he's tried that, along with running and just plain pretending his problems don't exist, and none of it's ever worked.

"I told him he needs to talk to you about all of this," Tyler says, chewing his lip a little and Speed would think it was cute if he wasn't so scared of what Tyler's about to say. "He seems angry, about a lot of things. But I think the reason he showed up here is because he's mad at you for leaving the way you did."

"What are you talking about?"

"The way you left home," Tyler answers, and as soon as he says it Speed knows exactly why he looks so nervous. "After David died."

He thinks it should bother him to hear Tyler say David's name, but it doesn't. What bothers him is that Tyler _knows_ David's name and Speed's not the one who told him. "What did he tell you?"

"He told me what he knows." Tyler takes a deep breath, and Speed can tell without asking just how much he knows. Too much, because whatever Matt remembers, Tyler should have heard it from Speed. "I probably should have stopped him, but he's been carrying it around for a long time. I'm not sure anybody could have stopped him once he started talking."

"I wanted to tell you," he hears himself say, like he's standing just outside himself listening to himself say the words. There's a part of him that wants to march right out into Tyler's living room, drag his brother off the couch and drive him somewhere desolate so he can kill him without witnesses. But the rest of him wants to make this go away, to hit rewind on one of those expensive machines in Tyler's lab until they're back at the beginning, when everything was simple and all that mattered was how it felt when they were together.

He knows that won't work anymore, though, because they're way past that point now and he's not sure how to fix it. "I started to tell you. Last night."

"I know," Tyler says, but Speed can't tell whether or not Tyler believes him. He's not sure he'd believe him in Tyler's place, and it's hard to imagine that less than an hour ago he was worrying about what shirt he was wearing when he showed up at Tyler's door. "Look, you need to deal with your brother right now. This can wait."

Part of him wants to take the out. He knows what Tyler's offering, and it would be easy to take it. It would be a lot easier to nod and mumble something about calling, because dealing with his brother isn't going to be fun, but it will be a lot easier than this. They're family, sure, and that means they're connected, but Speed doesn't care about Matt the way he cares about Tyler. He's not going to lie awake all night wondering what Matt's thinking, worrying that he finally managed to screw up for good and trying to convince himself that it's for the best.

A month ago – maybe even a week ago that's exactly what he would have done, and he knows he would have regretted it, but he also knows he wouldn't have tried to fix it. But a lot's happened in the past week; he's said things he can't take back and if he's honest with himself, he has to admit that he doesn't want to. What he wants...what he wants is standing right in front of him, looking at him like he's expecting Speed to walk out.

"No, it can't," he says, the sound of his own voice startling him in the quiet of the room. "Whatever he told you...that was a long time ago. I was just a kid."

"Don't tell me it doesn't matter," Tyler says, shaking his head when Speed opens his mouth to interrupt. "Look, Tim, it's not like I didn't know you had a past. But you can't tell me it doesn't matter when it takes your brother showing up out of the blue to get you to talk about it."

He knows he deserves that. He knows Tyler's right, that if Matt hadn't shown up he would have kept putting off this conversation for as long as he could. Maybe he would never have brought it up, or he would have waited for Tyler to get tired of waiting and ask him. Maybe he would have put it off until he didn't have any other choice, or even used it as an excuse to let Tyler drift back out of his life the same way he came into it.

But that's all it would be – an excuse – because as far as he's concerned it's just part of his past and it really doesn't matter anymore. And he still doesn't know what Matt told Tyler, so he doesn't know what Tyler wants to hear. "Look, it doesn't change anything."

"Are you still in love with him?"

That's the last thing he's expecting, and for a second he's not sure he heard Tyler right, but when he looks at Tyler he can see he's really worried. "He's been dead for almost twelve years."

"I know that," Tyler answers, mouth set in a determined line and Speed has to fight the urge to pull him close and kiss the anger away. "That doesn't answer my question."

"Look, Tyler..." He pauses, choosing his words because he knows he's only got one chance to get this right. It's not a question he's ever asked himself – there was never any point, because David was gone and nothing could change that.

"No," he finally answers, and when he looks up and sees Tyler's expression he knows that's not the answer Tyler was expecting. "He was my best friend for six years. Even after the accident – maybe even more so after that – he was all I ever thought about. But we were just kids, and the rest of the world doesn't really exist when you're kids. It was hard when he died, but I'm not still carrying some kind of torch."

Tyler doesn't answer right away, and Speed can't tell from his expression whether or not he believes it. It's the truth – he learned a long time ago that he still had a life to get on with, and maybe he hasn't been doing a very good job of it up to now, but that's not the same as pining away for someone who's never coming back.

When Tyler does finally answer his voice is low, and he can't tell whether Tyler's worried about waking Matt or if he just doesn't want to say the words out loud. "I need you to be sure about this, Tim. I'm not asking…I can deal with keeping things quiet at work, long lost relatives…even ex-boyfriends. But if you're still in love with somebody else…"

"I'm not. If I was I wouldn't be here right now." He's not sure what he just admitted, but he doesn't let himself think about it because he knows if he does he'll start to panic. Instead he takes a step forward, and when Tyler doesn't flinch away he tries for another. "Look, are we okay here?"

Panic flashes in his chest when Tyler looks down, but before he has time to do anything stupid like beg Tyler nods and looks up again. "I just have to ask you one more thing."

The last thing Speed wants to do right now is answer more questions, not when Tyler's so close and his brother could wake up at any moment. But it's not like he can refuse, so he swallows hard and forces himself to hold Tyler's gaze. "What?"

"When did you stop seeing Detective Bernstein?"

"How did you know…?" He stops abruptly when he realizes how Tyler knows about Bernstein, and he really is losing it if he didn't think about that possibility. But it never dawned on him that Bernstein might hang around to talk to him when he showed up to post Matt's bail; it never dawned on him that Bernstein would have anything left to say after all this time.

"Last year," he finally answers, arms crossed over his chest and suddenly the few feet of space between them feels like a mile. "Summer. Did he say something to you?"

"No," Tyler says, quickly enough that Speed believes him. "But he showed up when I was posting Matt's bail. It wasn't hard to put two and two together when he started asking who I was."

This is definitely the weirdest day Speed's ever had – he was tired when he got to Tyler's place, but now he's so worn out he's not sure he can make it home. Part of him wants to ask if he can stay, but he's not positive anymore that Tyler would say yes. He's not sure of anything anymore, and he still has a long conversation with his brother ahead of him. He feels like there's something else he should say, but even if he thought he could get the words out he's not sure Tyler would believe him now. He can't just leave, though, not without saying _something_.

"So we're okay." And now he's reduced to repeating himself, but it gets a tiny smile out of Tyler and he doesn't mind looking like an idiot for once.

"As long as you don't stand me up this weekend," Tyler answers, grinning at Speed's expression. He swallows his confusion a second too late, flushing when he remembers the party he promised to go to. The timing's all wrong and he's sure he's going to hate every second of it, but there's no way he's going to back out now.

"I said I'd go."

Tyler's still grinning when Speed finally closes a hand around his wrist, pulling him forward and tilting his head up for a tentative kiss. He swallows a sigh when a hand lands on his back, pressing him closer as Tyler's lips part against his. And this… _this_ is what he's been thinking about all day, not his brother or how much more he owes Tyler than just bail money.

Way too soon Tyler's pushing him away, breathing hard and it's all Speed can do not to grab him and drag him close again. "You should get out of here. Your brother…"

"Yeah," Speed answers, face flushing and more than anything he wants to stay and forget the rest of the world exists for the rest of the night. "Tyler…"

"Later," Tyler says, hands on Speed again to push him toward the door. Speed knows he's right, that if he doesn't go now they'll start something they can't finish, but it's hard to care about the fact that his brother's in the next room when Tyler's hands are still on him.

They get as far as the hallway before Speed's hands take on a life of their own, and the next thing he knows he's shoved up against the wall, mouth open and Tyler's tongue pressing past his teeth. And he knows they have to stop, but that's the last thing he wants. What he wants is to fuck Tyler right here, no careful prep work or even the protection he's always so worried about. He just wants to be inside Tyler, surrounded by heat and moving together until he can't remember where he ends and Tyler begins.

He wants Tyler so much it _hurts_ , hurts even more when Tyler drags himself out of Speed's grip. "Go," he says, voice low and God, there's no way he can just leave.

He does anyway, stopping in the living room long enough to shake his brother's shoulder just a little more roughly than he needs to. Matt blinks and murmurs something, tries to roll over and go back to sleep, so Speed grips his arm hard and drags him to his feet. He sees the surprise in Matt's expression, then anger as he processes what's happening, but he ignores it and pushes Matt toward the front door, not letting himself look back to see if Tyler's watching them go.


End file.
